Swear Box
by Sleepingstep
Summary: Hidan's foul mouth gets too much for the Akatsuki gang and they decide to implement a swear box. Unfortunately for them, however, this has consequences that are undeniably worse than the problem they were initially trying to solve. Yaoi HxK
1. Chapter 1

I hold no rights over Naruto or any of the characters involved in this piece.

**Swear Box**

"Ugh! Who the fuck designed these fucking packages?! I want to skewer the pansy-faced bastard for making them so shit!"

Hidan was _not _having a good start to the day.

Sat at the breakfast table surrounded by fellow Akatsuki colleagues, the Jashinist was becoming increasingly frustrated with his repeated, and failed, attempts to get at his first meal of the day. In other words, Hidan couldn't open the fucking cereal packet.

Deidara, sat to the right of the Jashinist, frowned at the sudden onslaught of expletives.

"It's only cereal," he said, annoyed by Hidan's shouting. "Don't get so worked up over it-un."

"Shut up dickhead!" The platinum haired man shot back. "I'm hungry and I can't get to my fucking breakfast!" Futilely trying once again to open the wrapping, Hidan gave up and shoved the cereal over to Kakuzu, on his left, to open for him, unhappily grumbling "Stupid fucking cereal," as he did so.

Deidara's frown deepened. Not only had his ears been assaulted with enough swearing to melt earwax, he'd also been called a dickhead, something the bomber did _not_ appreciate.

"You swear too much-un," the blonde stated, critically watching Hidan hungrily snatch up the now liberated cereal from the obliging Kakuzu and up end it into his bowl.

"Like fuck I do, shithead!" Hidan retorted, oblivious to the self-contradiction, eagerly pouring milk over his food.

"I don't know," Sasori cut in, interested by the topic as well as wanting to be involved in his partner's conversation. "Your language isn't exactly child-friendly, is it?"

Spoon now filled with cereal the Jashinist glared at the new assailant on his vocabulary. "And why the hell are you getting involved, puppet-boy?" he snapped, irritated at being denied the peace of eating his breakfast. "It's not like you can't fucking deal with it!"

Spoon in hand the priest went to take his first much anticipated mouthful only to yet again be interrupted.

Pein had taken an interest.

"All in all I would be inclined to side with Deidara and Sasori over this one, Hidan," the Akatsuki head stated, leaning back in his chair taking up a thoughtful manner. "Your language has become somewhat...extreme...lately and it's doing nothing to encourage the groups morale."

Dropping his spoon with an all mighty clatter and sending cereal flying, the Jashinist stared at his leader with an expression somewhere between outrage and horror. "What?!?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean" chimed in Kisame, keen to join in on the Hidan abuse and completely ignoring the Jashinist. "Coming back from a long mission and having old preasty there shooting his mouth off isn't exactly relaxing." Itachi had been silently nodding along in agreement as his partner spoke.

Now furious, Hidan's gaze swung to the shark-man. "You!" He growled. "What the _fuck_ is your problem fish stick?!?"

Yet again completely ignoring Hidan, Pein continued the conversation without him. "So we have acknowledged the fact that Hidan's foul mouth is a problem," he stated, blanking the noises of outrage now emanating from the platinum haired man. "Then what do you propose we do about it?"

There was thought for a moment. Hidan, having realised that he wasn't being allowed to be a part of this discussion, began shovelling down his cereal with the enthusiasm of a tyrannosaurus-rex, all the while glaring daggers at his seemingly deaf comrades.

"**We could use one of his limbs as fertiliser every time he swears**," suggested Zetsu, to which everyone stared at the plant man in mild horror. There was punishment and then there was torture.

Pein coughed.

"Although highly tempting," the leader began, trying to let Zetsu down gently. "That seems a slightly severe reaction for bad language. Anyway, he'd end up having all of no limbs within _seconds_ at his rate of swearing."

More silence.

After Zetsu's disturbing input everyone seemed reluctant to put forward another idea, and it was only another few more moments trickled by that Kakuzu swooped down with the answer like a patchwork (and highly unconventional) angel.

"A swear box," the money obsessed man stated, having previously been watching the proceedings without comment.

"What?" Asked Deidara, who having been watching Hidan inhale his breakfast with an air of awed amazement had not quite heard.

"A _swear box_," Kakuzu repeated, annoyed at having to echo himself. "Every time he swears we could get him to pay a dollar as punishment. It would be like a fine, and the proceedings could go towards funding our organisation."

"You fucking traitor!" Screamed Hidan, furious. Turning on his stitched neighbour with an air of wrath the Jashinist flung his spoon (still full of cereal) in anger. The projectile only narrowly missed hitting Toby in the eye. "You're meant to be my bloody partner, bastard! Trust you to come up with something all about fucking money!"

"A swear box..._I like it_." Pein's voice was devious with dark amusement, him apparently oblivious to the platinum blonde's temper tantrum. "An effective way to discipline Hidan _and_ raise funds, it has your leader's full support."

"Err...there is problem though," said Sasori, sounding dubious. "As much as this 'swear box' thing is a good idea, Hidan doesn't care about money, so it isn't much of a punishment, is it?"

"Exactly!" Beamed Hidan, for once fully appreciative of the puppet's input. "I wouldn't give a shit so it would be pointless!"

"But the Jashinist _does _have to pay rent," Itachi commented, blanking Hidan in a voice with all the warmth of a winters day. "So he does have _some _need of money."

Smile frozen on his face the Jashinist glared at the sharingan user. _"Stupid fucking Uchiha trying to drop me in it..," _he grumbled, although no one was listening.

"And if he fails to pay up," added Kisame, grinning with malicious intent. "We could disallow his sacrifices for a month."

"What the hell have I ever done to you fish dick?!?" Hidan yelled, furious at Kisame's seeming persistence to make him miserable. "If you even think of taking my sacrifices away there will be hell to pay!"

At this sudden outburst everyone turned to look at Hidan, only to return to what they were doing moments earlier.

"So," began Pein with an air of authority. "Are we all decided that a swear box should be implemented in order to curb Hidan's bad-mouthing? Raise your hands if in agreement."

Before the other Akatsuki members had a chance to vote Hidan yet again invaded the conversation.

"But how the fuck are you gonna tell if I need to pay or not?" declared the Jashinist, triumphant. "It's not like you can monitor me all the time! Your shitty 'swear box' isn't gonna work!"

In response to the platinum haired man's comment Pein let out a sinister laugh.

"Oh, I'll **know** Hidan," the leader said, ominous voice causing the hair at the back of Hidan's neck to stand up. "I'll **know**. All in agreement raise your hands!"

As all the Akatsuki members minus the Jashinist rose their hands in agreement, Hidan was desperately quelling the urge to run and check his room for cameras. _Creepy Pein and his stupid fucking creepy stalking..._

"Fantastic!" Pein declared at the vast show of agreement. "The anti-Hidan swear-box is now implemented! We'll have it run for a trial month to see whether it causes any improvement to our subject's foul mouth."

"Fucking great," Voice oozing with sarcasm Hidan lounged back in his seat, severely irritated with his so called 'companions'. "Now my mouth's the sole breadwinner for this shitty organisation! Give me a fucking break!"

"Three dollars," chimed Kisame, ecstatic at having been presented with so many golden opportunities to infuriate the disgruntled Jashinist.

"_**What the hell?!?**_" Hidan once again swerved to face the shark-man. "If you open that toothy little mouth of yours one more time I swear I'm gonna shove my fucking fist in it, bastard!"

"Five dollars!" Toby proudly announced in a sing-song voice. "Toby is a good boy and doesn't say bad words like naughty Hidan-sama!"

At this Hidan had had enough. It was always a bad sign when even _Toby_ was getting on your case.

"Fine!" He stormed, abruptly standing up from his place at the table. "I fucking give in! I'll go and get some bastard change shall I?"

And one that note Hidan stamped out of the room, only turning once to shoot an obscene gesture at Deidara who had ecstatically called "Seven Dollars!" after the enraged Jashinist.

Apart for his minor contribution of the actual 'swear box' idea itself, Kakuzu had sat silently through the majority of the discussion. Watching his partner slam the door on his way out of the room and listening to his furious footsteps stamp away into the distance, the stitched man wondered whether he should have done more to help his immortal partner.

This dilemma of morals didn't bother Kakuzu for long however. As long as it wasn't _his _personal piggy bank that was suffering he couldn't, in the words of his foul mouthed companion, give two flying fucks what happened to Hidan.

Well maybe that wasn't entirely true, Kakuzu conceded. It was undoubtedly going to be very interesting to see how this was going to work out. The possibility than Hidan was going to lose his cool and attempt to sacrifice one of his team mates was looming, and, personally, Kakuzu was content to lay back and enjoy the show...

**To be continued.**

xXx

Once I get my University exams out of the way I'm going to spend a lot more time on my other fics, the ones I've been doing lately are so called 'brain vomit' according to one of my favourite authors :D

Do you want this to turn into a yaoi piece? I'm happy to provide everyone with a drool-bucket so if you've got any preferences let me know! :3

Please review.


	2. Chapter 2

**I hold no rights over Naruto or any of the characters involved in this piece.**

**A great big thank you with bows on to: Airyballoon, Lecture, Croutonic Sarcasm, Jade07Fun, JigokuShoujosRevenge and Orion's Eagle! You're all fantastic!**

**The story is now officially yaoi! Yay!  
**

**Chapter two**

One week on the introduction of the swear box appeared to have had no noticeable effect on Hidan's language. The Jashinist simply swore as much as he always had, if not with more enthusiasm, as if he was trying his hardest to get the most out of his one dollar a pop expletives.

Despite the change in Hidan's bad habit being unimpressive, the actual swear box itself was a sight to behold.

Toby, for some unfathomable reason, had taken it upon himself the task of creating a swear box adequate to house the proceeds from all of the Jashinist's excessive bad-mouthing.

It was travesty. Pink and massive and covered in love hearts with little pictures of rabbits (Toby had tried to stitch an _actual _rabbit to the box but it simply refused to get into the spirit of things), the box was truly a sight to behold (preferably at a safe distance). The words 'for when Hidan-sama has been a bad boy' were spelled in glittery pink lettering on the front and needless to say it was distasteful to the max.

Hidan hated it. The glazed eyes of the happy rabbits creeped him out and it was getting harder for him to resist giving it a good kick whenever he had to use it, which was extremely often.

To celebrate the passing of a week since the month trial period of the 'Anti-Hidan-Swearing-Regime' had started, Pein had ordered there to be a grand unveiling of how much money had so far accumulated within the box. From the number of dollars within the box they would be able to gauge how much Hidan had sworn during the week. Kakuzu, as he was good with numbers and spent the most time around Hidan, had been ordered to find the average number of times Hidan swore within seven days, allowing them to compare the two numbers and see whether there had been a decrease in the Jashinist's swearing.

When all the Akatsuki members were gathered around the pink monstrosity, Hidan glaring at his traitorous companions, Pein cleared his throat to capture the group's attention.

"Does everyone know why we are here?" The leader questioned, looking to his audience.

"Yep," responded Kisame eagerly, shooting an amused look at Hidan. "We're seeing how much priesty boy has made the organisation, right?"

At this little jibe Hidan growled and made a move towards the grinning shark, only to stop at a warning glare from Itachi. That sharingan user was _way _too over fucking protective, especially over a fucking fish...

Pein ignored the Jashinist's actions and continued to speak.

"Precisely," he answered, continuing to blank how Kisame was now sticking out a strangely blue tongue at the priest. "We are here to survey not only how much Hidan's incessant swearing has made for the organisation, but whether it has improved. Now, if you would like to do the honours, Kakuzu..."

As ordered the stitched man moved forward, grabbed the pink box, opened it, and promptly upended it, causing a variety of coins to fall to the floor with an almighty clatter.

They fell for a long time.

Hidan yawned and stared at the ceiling as the other Akatsuki members watched in horrified amazement as coins and occasionally note seemingly endlessly fell from the box, forming a small mound which was gradually growing larger and larger.

As the last few coins finally trickled to the flaw there was a communal exhaling of breath followed by a stunned silence.

The blonde artist was the first to break it.

"Err, Hidan-kun –un?" Asked Deidara, tentatively, anxious not to talk too loudly in the sudden hush.

"What?" The Jashinist's voice was flat and bored sounding.

"Just, err, how much money is that?"

At this the platinum haired man threw back his head and thought for a moment, occasionally looking down at his fingers to aid him with the calculations.

"Last time I checked," he said, when certain of the amount. "I got it at $648.50."

Silence.

"_$648.50?_" Deidara asked weakly, hoping he had misheard.

"Yep."

There was a collective shudder among the Akatsuki.

That one person could manage to cram that many expletives in their daily routine was downright ridiculous! Surely the Jashinist had to be muttering expletives in his _sleep _to get the overall count to such a horrible number! And that Hidan was prepared to pay so much to carry on his foul mouthed hobby only made it worse!

Kakuzu for one was particularly horrified. He wouldn't spend that much in a _year_, let alone a _week_! It was hard for him to resist going and giving Hidan a good slap for being such an extravagant ass with his swearing!

Sasori was the first to break the stunned silence.

"I have a question," stated the puppet, eyeing the massive pile of coins with a puzzled frown.

"And what would that be, Pinocchio?" Hidan sounded exasperated, he was not enjoying this little get together.

"You have to pay one dollar every time you swear, right?" Sasori continued, ignoring the Jashinist's jibe.

"Yeah. What the fuck about it?" Realising his mistake Hidan sighed and fished another dollar out of his pocket and tossed it on the money pile. It fell with a chink. "What about it?"

"If you have to pay one dollar every time you swear, just how did you get the 50 cents? You can't exactly half swear."

There was a murmur among the other Akatsuki members as they all realised this inconsistency. How _could _there be 50 cents?

Seeing that he was going to have to explain the Jashinist sighed again. This day was turning out to be really shitty.

"Can this be off the record then?" He asked, looking to the group's leader in hope of support. "To explain I'm gonna have to use another swear word and I ain't got any more change on me."

"It is permitted, just this once." Pein allowed, secretly being equally curious as the rest of the group.

"Right then. Well I stubbed my toe getting out of the shower and I was pretty annoyed so I ended up saying 'crap'." Hidan seemed somewhat relieved to curse without the prospect of having to cough p for the pleasure. "I figured it was a bad word but not exactly worthy of full on swear word status. Thought I'd better pay 50 cents to cover it just in case."

"How...thoughtful...of you," Pein said carefully, unsure of whether this was genius or stupidity.

Ignoring his fellow members' continued horror at Hidan's swear count, Pein coughed pointedly, signalling that he was going to speak _now _whether he had their attention or not.

"Kakuzu," the leader stated in a voice with all the warmth of a morgue. "Just what was your average number for Hidan's swearing in a week?"

At being called upon for information the stitched man snapped himself out of his Hidan induced horror, aware that his answer wasn't going to go down well.

"According to my calculations," Kakuzu began, voice rumbling around the small room. "I've got Hidan's average weekly swear-count as five hundred and twenty nine."

Another silence.

"And Hidan's swear count for this week..?"

"Six hundred and forty eight," Kakuzu paused. "Point five."

There was a hush as the various Akatsuki members comprehended the meaning of this statistic.

"It's gone up." Itachi stated flatly, eyeing the massive pile of accumulated coins. "By one hundred and nineteen point five no less."

"Apparently so."

Hidan could restrain himself no longer.

"Well of course it's gonna have gone up!" He bellowed, irritated by the other members' apparent stupidity. "I've been annoyed at having that THING installed, so I **am** gonna swear more if you keep on rubbing me up the ruddy wrong way."

"So it's not working then," Kisame said, blanking Hidan's outburst and further infuriating the now growling Jashinist. "Does this mean we should just give up the whole 'swear box' thing?"

"Not necessarily," Pein's sombre voice interjected, his lips bearing a fairly disconcerting smile. "Remember this is merely a _trial month_, who knows, the results may have changed dramatically when it comes to our next little '_inspection_'. The Jashinist has to run out of money some time, does he not?"

This statement was met with a general murmur of approval. Hidan _was _known for his complete disregard of anything financial, meaning he probably didn't have that much cash to begin with. With how much the Jashinist's swearing has cost him after just the first week this probably meant that his funds were already dwindling, so as the money continued to stream into the swear box Hidan was going to have to curb his mouth otherwise he wouldn't have the cash to cough up. Perfect!

Following his words Pein swiftly dissolved the meeting. As he left the leader shot Hidan an eerily sinister smile wordlessly threatening Hidan to 'pay up or else', not that the Jashinist appreciated the gesture.

As the various Akatsuki members filtered from the room Hidan remained, scuffing at the floor with tip of his shoe and scowling at the world in general.

Kakuzu lingered behind also, eyeing the Jashinist with an odd steely glint in his acidic green eyes.

"Idiot," the stitched man rumbled when the last cloaked figure had left the room. "At this rate you're not going to be able to pay the rent, let alone eat."

At this statement Hidan looked over his shoulder at Kakuzu, a frown sliding across his features.

"Who asked for your opinion?" he snorted, glaring at his partner. "I can take care of myself, stitches."

"Like hell you can," Kakuzu shot back advancing on the other man and grabbing the front of his cloak. "If you just stop swearing you'll be out of this mess, or are you too much of an imbecile to even realise that?"

Hidan merely hung under Kakuzu's strong grip, shocked by the sudden physical contact. Kakuzu's hand gripped his cloak tightly, he could even feel the other man's breath feathering across his face...

"Like hell I will, and I _don't _appreciate being called an imbecile, baka," spat the Jashinist, feeling his partner's muscles tense at his words and this strangely causing an odd whooping sensation in his stomach. "I swear therefore I am. And I ain't stopping any time soon."

At this statement Kakuzu stared wordlessly into Hidan's crimson orbs for a moment before finally relinquishing his grip on the Jashinist. Hidan's voice had thrummed with determination, and from experience he knew that when the priest's mind was set on something trying to deter him was like trying to uproot a tree. Freakishly time consuming and nearly impossible. This didn't stop him being furious with the Jashinist though. Few people had ever called him 'baka' and gotten away with it, and if they did it was usually minus a few limbs.

Stepping away from Hidan, realisation of how intimate their previous position had been dawning on him, Kakuzu tried one last desperate attempt to deter the priest.

"Couldn't you even cut down your swearing then?" he suggested, Hidan listening with a raised eyebrow and, peculiarly enough, a faint pink staining his otherwise porcelain cheeks. Odd. "That would help your situation at least."

The Jashinist shook his head in response.

"Nope, I told you there's no way I'm gonna alter the way I talk." Hidan's voice was confident to the max, and now there was a toothy grin to go with his oddly rose tinted cheeks. "I'll find the money, you just watch. This month's gonna pass like a breeze, and when it's over, _you're _going to apologise for trying to get _me_ to back down."

At this statement Hidan abruptly whirled around sending his robes spinning, beginning to briskly walk away from Kakuzu and towards the room's exit.

"I gotta shower," the Jashinist stated over his shoulder, seemingly oblivious to his sudden actions. "Next time I see ya you better be ready for me. Hell, maybe I'll get you to grovel on your _knees _for tryin' to deter me."

And with that the Jashinist was gone, leaving a thoroughly flustered Kakuzu to gawp after him.

"Cocky bastard," he growled, furious yet feeling oddly warm from the lingering image of Hidan's flushed face. "As if I would _ever _kneel to _you_. You'd be on _your_ knees in front of _me_ before I even thought of it."

As Kakuzu left in the direction of his rooms, the thought of the Jashinist kneeling down before him unwillingly continued to play on the stitched man's mind. More precisely, the tantalizing image of Hidan, a beautifully pink and flushed Hidan, kneeling before him and putting his mouth to work on something _very_ different than swearing.

Picturing his partner in such an...intimate...position was new and somewhat shocking to Kakuzu, but then going by the pleasing warmth in his crotch this revelation wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

Hell, the idea of actually screwing the Jashinist might even prove more tempting than the prospect of money. Meaning it was very tempting indeed.

_To be continued..._

_.:._

**Yo! Sorry it's been a while, I've been caught up with exams and now I'm free updates are my top priority! **

**The next chapter of A Sticky Situation is half way done now, and for those interested I thought I'd just let you know. The reviews for it have been at 69 for a little bit and every time I check I just have to stop and think 'aah, what a sexy number'! **

**Hope you enjoyed and please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I hold no rights over Naruto or any of the characters involved in this piece.**

A all honour salute for: Lilith-Chan01, HoloXam, Grimmjow Schiffer, JigokuShoujosRevenge, Queens of the mole people, LadyNoariko and Lecture! You are all brilliant!

**Chapter Three**

**O.D.P.S.B.O.M.T.C.** (One Day Prior to the Swear-Box One Month Trial Conclusion.)

Hidan was in hot water. He was up the proverbial creek minus the all important paddle. His metaphorical ship was swiftly sinking and the ocean was now licking at his toes.

In other words? **Hidan was screwed.**

Despite his confidence dripping words to Kakuzu several weeks earlier, the current reality of the Jashinist's situation was far less than sunny. The cause of this situation? Hidan's minimal monetary funds had finally dried up. More precisely, the pale man was broke. Bankrupt. Bust.

The swear box had eaten all of his money.

Staring down at is now pathetically empty piggy-bank (not that it had ever been particularly full) the scythe wielding maniac wanted to swear so much he could practically taste it.

With no money, Hidan's close friends Mr. S, Mr. B and _especially_ Mr. F were strictly off limits. Not unless he wanted a taste of Pein's undoubtedly horrific wrath for the heinous crime of swear-box evasion…

"Forking bar-stewards..," he murmured without much enthusiasm. Replacement expletives just weren't the same. It was like trying to satisfy a hard-core liver busting alcohol with a whisky bottle full of water. It just didn't work.

Half an hour had passed since Hidan's last curse and last dollar had left him. It felt like an ice age had passed since then. He _needed_ to swear, his palms were damp from the sheer…_withdrawal_...of it.

Due to the swear-box with its dollar a spin toll, Hidan in his current penniless state couldn't swear. Pein had made it **QUITE** clear that if Hidan **DID** curse **WITHOUT** coughing up he would end up dearly wishing he had. Probably minus a few limbs. On the other hand Hidan just couldn't not swear for a day, he just _couldn't_! Swearing was as central to his character as…mother fudging…Jashin was! There was no way he could stop, even for a day! Hidan wouldn't be Hidan without his ingenious range of expletives!

Yes, Hidan certainly was stuck/wedged/rammed between a rock and a hard place. And it was all that…bar-stud…Kakuzu's fault! If that traitorous…funker…hadn't come up with the..smitty…idea of a swear-box in the…frigging…first place Hidan wouldn't be in all this mess!

Hidan hated himself for actually finding that stitched…barsteed…attractive! It was so unfair that the sight of the…_duck head_…who had subjected him to this _torture _made him go all…**tingly**…inside! Like his own body was betraying himself in favour of that traitorous…shoot eating bestard! It was the last kick in the teeth the Jashinist could endure!

"Ugh..," he groaned, holding his head in his hands as the sheer _impossibility_ of it all dragged him down. If only he was as loaded as that…mitch…Kakuzu…then he could swear as much as he wanted…if only he had that much cash…_if only…__**if only…**_

**Click.**

Raising his head from his hands, an ominous smile crept across the Jashinist's features. He might have just found his solution, and it was the perfect revenge against that sinfully tempting stitched Adonis.

Hidan had had an idea, and it spelt trouble for a traitorous green-eyed miser.

X

"Right," said Pein, looking around at the assorted Akatsuki members. "Let the counting begin!"

The moment of truth had finally come.

It had been precisely one month since the swear-box had been in operation. The 'trial period' which had initially been implemented had now come to an end, and now was the time to see if its introduction had done anything to curb Hidan's horrendous language. If it _had_, the swear-box would stay. If _not_…well, maybe the bulk buying of ear plugs was necessary.

This 'grand-unveiling', much like that a week into the swear-box's 'regime', was the reason that the all the various members of Akatsuki (except the mysteriously absent Kakuzu) had converged in front of Hidan's glittery and money gobbling nemesis. Hidan, oddly enough, stood right in front of the object with a toothy, if somewhat manic grin. He gave off the ominous impression of being in on a joke which none of the others, as of yet, knew about. It was not a very comforting look.

Itachi, Kisame, Sasori and Deidara, away from the sinisterly cheery Jashinist, stood in a small cluster to the right of the swear-box.

"Ne-ne," said Deidara, looking around the group. "If Kakuzu-kun isn't here, whose gonna total the score of the swear-box?"

"Oh," Itachi responded in his cool monotone. "That would be Toby."

There was astonished silence for a second as the cloaked characters processed what they had just heard.

"_Holy shit_," Kisame swore, gawping at Itachi in shock. "Toby can count?!?"

"Apparently so," interjected a frowning Sasori. "_We're_ all barely numerically literate. Except _you_ of course Itachi," the puppet added in a hurry, wary of the Sudoku crazed sharingan user. "So Toby had to do it."

"_Wow_…maybe Toby-kun has hidden depths-un," said Deidara sounding awed.

"If he has then I don't wanna know about them," Kisame said. "Anything that goes on in that little bastard's head has gotta be weird as fuck."

Everyone thought about this and then nodded in agreement. Toby was just too strange for words…

"You know Kisame," commented a new and unfortunately recognisable voice. "If your language continues like that, **then maybe you'll have to be 'punished' as well…**"

As they had been talking nobody had noticed Zetsu wonder over. He had been talking with a small decorative cactus on the other side of the room, so the plant man's input came as somewhat of a shock to the group.

"Err…I'll pass thanks." Kisame managed to weakly respond, uncomfortably thinking that talking to plants was bad enough, but having one _threaten_ you was just too much…"I was just saying how-"

Thankfully the fish-man was spared any further awkward interaction with Zetsu by a sudden announcement from Pein.

"If I could have your attention, please!" the leader shouted, instantly silencing the room's occupants. "The results have been counted! The time of judgment is nigh!"

At Pein's words the group converged around the painfully pink swear-box. Disturbingly enough, Hidan's excessively toothy grin remained firmly in place.

Toby gave a comically high pitched cough to gain everyone's attention. "Toby has finished counting the money from Hidan's bad boy box!" He proclaimed proudly and paused for a moment before simplistically adding "Toby is good with numbers!"

There was an awkward pause.

"Err…_right..," _said Pein, feeling somewhat put off by having to rely on the masked Akatsuki member. "If you could tell us the results then, Toby."

"Okay! From the amount of money Toby counted Toby calculated that naughty Hidan-chan-_ouch!_" The masked-man yelped as a vengeful 'Hidan-chan' kicked him hard in the shin. "Swore approximately…" Everyone groaned as Toby held up his gloved hands to count on his fingers.

After a few minutes of merely watching Toby mutter numbers over his outstretched hands, Pein's impatience finally caught up with him.

"Toby?"

"Yes, Pein-sama?"

"Get on with it."

"Oh! Sorry oh so wondrous leader-sama! Toby was just making sure he got the number right!

"And the number is...?"

"Yes! Toby calculated that through the month _with_ the swear-box, Hidan swore..," he gave a suspenseful pause. "One million two hundred and eighty three thousand," he took a gasp of air. "Three hundred and forty two times." Another gasp. "Point five."

Itachi, who was quick with figures, only registered his shock by the delicate quirk of a single eyebrow. For the emotionless Uchiha, however, this was pretty much on the same level as him spinning dramatically on the spot and bursting into tears.

The math-flunkies that made up the rest of Akatsuki took slightly longer to catch on. But when they did, however, their reactions were about as loud and as colourful as fireworks.

Kisame was the first to crack.

"**What the hell is wrong with you?!?**" The shark-man exploded, horrified by the Jashinist. "**That's enough swearing to make someone with frigging **_**tourrets**_** wince!**"

"How can you swear that much in a month? That's obscene-un!" Deidara swiftly followed, glaring at the Jashinist. "Not artistic _at all_!"

"You paid that much just to swear? You're even more stupid than I thought..." Compared to Kisame and Deidara's outbursts, Itachi's statement was reasonably calm. This didn't stop them from being as icy as a winter's morning, however, the Uchiha annoyed that not only was he going blind his ears were also forced to endure Hidan's constant cursing.

Sasori simply stood shaking his head in disgust and Zetsu said nothing, him having gotten bored and returned to continue his conversation with the cactus. Toby, who didn't understand what was going on, tried to join in by shouting "Screwdrivers are fun!", only to mildly confuse everyone.

As the verbal assault had been taking place Hidan stood back and let the onslaught wash over him, as if it was a warm summer breeze rather than the Akatsuki's shared righteous outrage. Strangely, his smile was still firmly in place.

Once everyone had finally run out of things to scream at the Jashinist, Hidan made his move.

"So," he said turning to Pein, a slight smugness tugging at his features. "What's the verdict then?"

Before answering Hidan the leader paused for a moment, staring deeply at the Jashinist but only being met by a smug grin.

When Pein did speak, it was to the room at large.

"Despite the emplaced swear-box fine it appears that there has been no reduction in Hidan's swearing," he said, looking at each member of the room in turn. "If anything the box's introduction has actively _increased_ it, which is, needless to say an _extremely_ undesirable outcome..." Stopping, the leader frowned and then appeared to come to a decision. He continued. "It seems that I am left with no choice. The swear-box shall be abolished and we will simply have to bear with the Jashinist's foul mouth in the meantime. That is, until we find another and hopefully more effective solution."

"YES!!! VICTORY IS FUCKING MINE!" Hidan instantly shouted at the news, pumping his fists in the air and baring his teeth in an almost manic triumphant grin. "I told you! I told you! You'll never stop this Jashinist from swearing, fucking never! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-! It just never gets old! Fucking HA!" And started to do an odd celebratory dance that involved him jogging on the spot and yelling expletives at the room's occupants...

Kisame, unable to bear the sight of a happy Hidan, moved away from the main group and propped himself against the far wall of the room. Trying to block out the victorious whoops emanating from the celebrating Jashinist, the shark-man frowned as he heard an odd…thumping…echoing quietly inwards from the outside corridor.

Whump. Whump. Whump.

"Hey, Itachi!" he called to his partner who instantly moved over. "D'you hear that?"

"What?"

As they had been speaking the noise had become gradually louder, the 'thumping' now a rhythmic low boom.

**Whump. Whump. Whump.**

"Yeah, I hear it-un," commented Deidara who had been evesdropping, him also sick of Hidan's gleeful yells and curses. "What _is_ that?"

"Dunno," answered Kisame, a crease forming on his aquamarine brow. "But its definitely getting louder…"

"You mean getting closer," Itachi corrected ominously, giving both Deidara and Kisame the 'Uchiha shivers'.

As the noise gradually increased in volume, more of the room's occupants became aware of the mystery sound. Gradually the room fell silent as all, listened to the now extremely heavy thumps, even _Hidan_ shutting up to puzzle over the now sinisterly loud booms.

**WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP!**

"You know," Sasori commented into the pregnant hush, thumps reverberating like a funeral march around the room. "They almost…_just almost_…sound like _footsteps_…"

**Bang!**

The second Sasori finished speaking the door of the room slammed open with a crash, its hinges screaming. Stunned by the sudden onslaught of noise and action, the Akatsuki members all gawked in stupefied shock as the origin of the 'mystery noise' stormed into the room.

Despite being miserly, grouchy and held together with string, Kakuzu could make one hell of an entrance.

"**Where is that bastard?!?**" the stitched man bellowed furiously, advancing on the…"_**Where is that bastard?!?"**_

There was tense silence for a moment.

"Err…_which one?" _Sasori finally ventured, voice quavering slightly in the dense atmosphere.

"**What?!?"**

"Which particular 'bastard' are you after?" The red-head continued with a nervous laugh, unsure of whether Kakuzu was going to lunge for him. "You're in a room full of them, after all."

Sasori's sad attempt to 'lift the mood', however was wasted on Kakuzu. The stitched man's acidic green gaze was so intense that it seemed in grave danger of melting the puppet's head.

"The particular 'bastard' I want is a manically religious dick." Kakuzu finally responded, saying each word slowly and firmly with the air of a volcano on the verge of erupting. "The particular 'bastard' I want swears enough for an entire population! **The particular 'bastard' I want is called** **mother-fucking HIDAN!!!**"

Everyone in the room flinched at the usually (reasonably) composed Kakuzu's roar. The man was grumpy enough usually, but his current mood was akin to that of Darth Vader when a bird tries to nest in his helmet.

Hidan, even by his near albino standards, had suddenly gone very pale.

The only one completely unfazed by Kakuzu's war cry, however, was Kisame. In fact…the fish-man looked positively ecstatic by the sudden turn of events

"Oh, _that _bastard!" Kisame said, voice oozing with malicious joy. "He's just over there. Have fun!"

As Kakuzu advanced on the unfortunate Jashinist, Hidan was unsure whether to be terrified of Kakuzu or furious with Kisame. "**You shit-headed shark!!! You fucking turned me in!!!**" He screeched, attempting to retreat from his murderous partner but swiftly being caught by the collar of his Akatsuki cloak.

"See you later priesty boy!" the shark man called, grinning madly as Hidan was dragged backwards from the room. "Have a nice evening!"

"Oh. He _won't_," were Kakuzu's last ominous words as he yanked Hidan from the room, the jashinist's curses echoing forlornly all the way down the corridor.

There was a brief silence amongst the Akatsuki members as the erratic and unexpected events of the previous two minutes sunk in.

Sasori was the first to speak.

"I wonder what's got Kakuzu rattled…"

**To be continued.**

**xXx**

Impending yaoi for next chapter :3! As well as WAY more Kaku Hidan interaction!

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, sorry it took so long, my old laptop actually SET ON FIRE. :D

Please review!

Sleepingstep xxx


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